12-Mar-2002
Yami no Matsuei: After the Bargain
by bonne, von and cassiopeia
For this sequel, Cassiopeia is co-authoring and writing the POV of Hisoka.
Series: Yami no Matsuei
Title: After the Bargain
Author: bonnejeanne (bonnejeanne@yahoo.com), vonceia (vonceia@yahoo.com) and Cassiopeia (Cassiopeia@gundamwing.net)
Category: yaoi, angst
Rating: NC-17
Pairings: Tsuzuki x Hisoka, later Muraki x Oriya, Muraki + Tsuzuki
Spoilers: Series
WARNINGS: Lemon, Angst, Tsuzuki may appear a bit OOC at times
Disclaimer: Yami no Matsuei characters and universe are the property of the copyright owners. Our stuff is ours. No money being made here.
As with all our fics, while our goal is to stay as in character as possible, any discrepancies are our mistakes.
Feedback: Any and all comments welcome, be they short or long.
After the Bargain: Part 4
Tsuzuki ran.
He knew he was running. He knew he shouldn't run. He knew that he'd left someone he loved behind him and that his action was hurting that person. But none of that stopped him.
The whole day had been like some surreal adventure down a very weird rabbithole. His dreaming... his waking... Hisoka... The green-eyed boy telling him something about Muraki... Muraki being there, or not there, or something. Muraki doing something to him. It didn't make any sense. If Hisoka had said Muraki was doing something to *him*, Tsuzuki would have torn up the planet to find the mad doctor. He would not allow him to hurt his partner any more. But Muraki doing something to he, Tsuzuki? If he had, I'd know about it... wouldn't I?
But Hisoka had planted the seed of doubt. He had reason to know. Muraki had wiped the boy's memories of the murder he'd witness, as well as the acts done upon himself. He hadn't recaptured them until the doctor had given them back. So it was plausible...
But I'm not a boy, even a special boy, I am a Shinigami. He couldn't... he couldn't do anything like that to me without my knowledge and consent. I stopped him once before...
The memory was too vivid and he flinched from it as always. He felt no pleasure or pride in his actions. His hand finding the curved, sharp blade, his muscles pushing it into Muraki's still human body. It was a thing that had to be done. He remembered - he didn't want to remember - telling Muraki to come with him. They would go together.
But he hadn't gone. Hisoka had come, and Tatsumi had taken them out of the flames. And Muraki... had somehow survived as well. But whatever Tsuzuki felt about the doctor, he didn't fear him. He only feared what he could do to others.
I would have stopped him, he thought. Hisoka is wrong. But that thought didn't make him happy. He knew his actions, some of them, all day had been out of character. But did that have to mean he was possessed by Muraki? Were his actions, those out of character actions, so terrible? So evil? What had he done?
I kissed you, he thought to Hisoka in his mind. You liked it. We loved each other. We both liked it. We forgot some useless meeting. Why? Why was that so wrong that it could not have come from himself?
Because... because I am a.. a.. wimp, he thought. How long has it been since my feelings for Hisoka have included desire? I don't even remember. Because I hid from it. Suppressed it. And what happens when I do something? He practically begs me to... he... I never thought he... but obviously I was wrong.
The actions were out of character because he, Tsuzuki would never have taken the chance... never have risked... what? Hurting the boy? No I would never risk that. But what if that wasn't what was holding me back? What if is was just because I was afraid he would hate me? Not hurt him, hate me. Hate me because I was just like...
Muraki.
The man had never hesitated to take anything he seemed to want. Yet... yet... that wasn't quite true. He wanted Tsuzuki. That was clear from the beginning. Confusing, but clear. Yet even on the ship, he'd made a game out of it. And when Hisoka had won his hand of poker, he'd let Tsuzuki walk out of the stateroom. Why? If he was such a monster...
He is a monster. The murders... so many... the cruelty... so cold. He used and manipulated others so easily and without a shred of conscience. And yet.. and yet...
Without realizing what he was doing or where he was going, Tsuzuki found himself in front of an old, abandoned church. He looked up. There was something wrong about the moon. It should be full, not waning. He stared at it, feeling the slightly chill wind swirl around him, only clad in his shirtsleeves.
"What if this *is* me?" he said out loud to the moon. A me no one could accept. That was really the problem. He'd told Hisoka once, he didn't mind being a hypocrite, keeping his feelings secret, if it meant his friends accepted him. He had always been certain that if they knew everything, if anyone knew everything, they would reject him. It was easier to be the Sugar Glutton, to let others laugh at him, shake their heads, think of him as a slackard... they felt superior... and accepted him. Sometimes berated, sometimes indulged him. If he ever stopped being a.. a wimp... if he ever revealed what was inside.. if he ever even figured out what was inside... is this what he'd known would happen? 'I want you, not this...'
"What if this... is me..." he whispered. His eyes fell from the waning moon to the dark old church building. He felt as though he were that building. Things inside he couldn't see. Things others would be afraid of.
He walked up to the door and opened it, and went inside.
A lone figure knelt at the area where the altar should have been. Hearing the door open and the footfalls, Muraki stood. "Good evening," he said, turning around slowly. An obviously pleased smile lit his face.
Tsuzuki found that somehow he was not surprised.
"What are you doing here?" he asked, walking down the aisle towards the white clad figure.
"Offering thanks, prayer," Muraki answered as he moved to an old pew and sat. "I could ask you the same," he added.
What god does he pray to? Tsuzuki wondered, glancing up at the ruined altar. He turned and sat next to Muraki on the pew.
"I'm running away," he answered, looking ahead as he sat. He sounded and even looked a bit like a boy of about six years old.
Muraki sat back and looked ahead as well. "If not me, then who are you running from?" he asked.
"Me," Tsuzuki answered, nodding as if simply confirming something they both knew.
Muraki's smile increased. "Difficult, but not impossible," he said.
"I think it's going to be, for me, eventually," Tsuzuki said. He felt very calm. He didn't understand why he felt so calm. He felt... safe.
After a minute he said, "Ask me why."
"Why?" Muraki asked.
"I'm running away from me, because I'm a wimp and a hypocrite. And it won't work... because I'm a wimp and a hypocrite," Tsuzuki sighed.
Muraki nodded. "Well, it sounds like you've gotten it all taken care of, then," he said, then bent forward and pulled out a basket from under the pew. Swinging it onto the seat, he opened the lid. "I have dinner, here," he said. "If you are running away, I think it is appropriate to ask if you'd like a bun or something to eat?"
Tsuzuki looked at the basket. He sniffed and detected nice smells coming from it. He looked at it sadly but made no move to reach into it. "I'm that predictable. No, no, I know I am." He leaned back instead. "Did you think to bring wine?"
"It's my dinner, Tsuzuki," Muraki said, removing items from the basket. "I often have wine with my dinner. Yes, I brought wine this time."
"So what do you do, just wander around, picnicking in empty churches?" Tsuzuki asked idly, waiting for the wine to be opened.
Muraki looked over at the violet-eyed Shinigami and shook his head. "Sometimes, I do just that," he said. "It's sheltered, peaceful and I'm not often bothered." Muraki opened the wine bottle. "Would you like to use a glass or drink from the bottle?"
Tsuzuki simply held out his hand. Taking the bottle by the neck, he brought it to his lips and took a long drink. Then he offered it to Muraki. "Help yourself," he said. "It's your dinner, after all."
One pale eyebrow arched. "Why thank you," Muraki said, taking the bottle and setting it down on his other side. Using his chopsticks, he dipped into the basket and removed a small roulade of sushi. "This is quite wonderful," he said. "Would you care for some? As you see, it's not poisoned."
"Really?" Tsuzuki said. He frowned at the doctor. "If you aren't going to drink it, don't put it way over there." He glanced disinterestedly at the succulent morsel. His stomach growled. He shook his head. "I don't need to eat, you know," he said. "You do know that."
Muraki swallowed the piece of food in his mouth as he watched the fascinating display before him. "Apparently, your body has not been told," he said, picking up another piece of food. This time he leaned over and held it at Tsuzuki's lips. "Don't be stubborn... eat," he said.
Tsuzuki felt a slight shiver at the tone. He opened his mouth and accepted the bite. It tasted wonderful. And it tasted like nothing. He swallowed it and sighed. Then he looked at Muraki reproachfully. "The wine?"
Reaching into the basket again, Muraki removed the glass. Opening the wine bottle he poured some of the dark, rich liquid and handed it to Tsuzuki. "Here," he said, unceremoniously, "Drink, gulp or whatever you want. Enjoy."
Tsuzuki took the glass and drank about half of it. "I wouldn't have given you the bottle back if I'd thought you were going to be stingy," he said. Drinking the rest, he leaned back again.
"Does your superior know you're here, annoying people out of their wine?" Muraki asked. "You are assuming that I'm going to allow you to drink it all and then be forced to carry you, where? Home?"
"You brought out the basket," Tsuzuki said. "I didn't ask you to. My superior..." he sighed. "No... well, maybe... I don't know. If he did, I'm sure he'd think it was your fault anyway."
Muraki shrugged a little and set the basket back down on the floor. "Naturally," he said, taking the glass from Tsuzuki's hand. "Everything revolves around my hand."
"Naturally," Tsuzuki nodded. He turned and looked at the doctor. "Did you... did you brainwash me or something?"
Muraki's eyebrows arched in surprise. He smiled again. "Hmm," he said. "You are receiving all of the treasure and I'm giving it all away. Come closer, Tsuzuki," the doctor said, patting the now empty space next to him. "I will answer your questions, but you must provide an incentive."
Tsuzuki looked at the doctor for a long minute. Then he slid slowly closer until they were side by side.
"First question," Muraki said, feeling the Shinigami's body next to his. "No, I did not brainwash you. 'Or something' is a different question."
Tsuzuki looked into the doctor's eyes, even the one he shielded with his hair. He sighed and nodded. "I didn't think so," he said, ignoring the 'or something' remark. "I just... didn't think so."
Muraki reached up and slid his arm around Tsuzuki's shoulders. He handed the violet-eyed Shinigami the wine bottle. "For you," he said, "As much as you like."
Tsuzuki took a long drink from the bottle. For some reason Muraki's arm around his shoulder didn't bother him as it used to do. What was I afraid of? he thought. He's not ugly... unattractive... Then his mind pinged at him, attempting to remind him that the man was a murderer. So am I, Tsuzuki pinged back almost tiredly.
He murdered your partner.
My partner was dead when I met him.
It's still wrong... it's still cruel... it hurt him...
I know, he thought. But I won't let him do it again.
"You won't hurt Hisoka gain," he said to Muraki from the close distance. "You won't hurt anyone else like that."
Muraki leaned closer and touched his lips to Tsuzuki's. Feeling the flash of heat immediately, he opened the Shinigami's lips with his own and slid his tongue deep inside. Kissing Tsuzuki with an almost savage need, Muraki tasted the young man for a short while, and then pulled back an inch or so. "Is that why you're here," he whispered urgently at Tsuzuki.
The kiss... felt nice. It felt... familiar. He relaxed. Opening his eyes when Muraki spoke he frowned slightly. "No..."
Muraki brushed his lips against Tsuzuki's. Placing the back of his hand at the center of Tsuzuki's chest, Muraki trailed it down over his stomach and lower. His fingers curled around the slight bulge in the Shinigami's pants, squeezing with enough pressure to arouse. "Good," he said, leaning his cheek against Tsuzuki's. "You are so beautiful it is painful," he added.
Tsuzuki groaned softly as the doctor's hand squeezed him. He realized he was supposed to be jumping up indignantly, possibly giving the man the back of his hand in the process.
"You just go for it, don't you?" he said, his voice ever so lightly slurred. "Just go right for it. That's indecent."
Muraki chuckled. He licked Tsuzuki's earlobe and then kissed his neck. "Timing is everything," Muraki said, as his fingers unfastened Tsuzuki's pants and then reached inside to remove his awakening organ from its confines. Muraki moved the loose skin back and forth as he captured Tsuzuki's mouth once again.
Another soft groan answered the movement, smothered by the kiss. Tsuzuki thought he should do something. Stop this. But it did feel good. And he felt so safe. He sucked on the doctor's tongue and found that it made him more excited. With one arm around his shoulders, Muraki was holding him, and he was big and solid enough to do so. It didn't feel intimidating. It felt comforting.
Muraki broke the kiss and looked into Tsuzuki's eyes. "Do you mean that this is indecent?" he asked, giving Tsuzuki's cock another squeeze.
"Mmmnnngh..." Tsuzuki moaned again. He looked at the doctor. "Yes... of course it is," he said breathlessly. He let his hand fall across Muraki's wrist. "So... stop."
Sliding his fingers lower, the doctor rolled the heavy sac underneath Tsuzuki's taut flesh in his hand. "You will have to do better than that," he said, "Beg me, and I might take it under consideration."
Beg... Tsuzuki's breath caught short. Licking his lips, he tried to keep his hips from following the movement that was sending chills of pleasure through his body. "Please..."
Muraki's eyelids drooped slightly. "Mmmn," he said, "I think I like that. Of course, I do not believe that you want me to discontinue this. Now, get down on your knees before me. This time, beg like you mean it."
Blinking, Tsuzuki wasn't sure he had heard correctly. He licked his lips a second time. Then he found himself sliding onto the floor in front of the doctor. He looked up at the man and his wide purple eyes shimmered.
But instead of begging, he said softly, "Why... were you so cruel to him? If only you hadn't been..."
Muraki resisted rolling his eyes. The very last thing he wanted to discuss was the boy. He had been amusing for a short time, but that was a while ago.
Looking down at Tsuzuki, he mulled the question over in his mind. "I would have thought that was obvious," he said, finally, as he reached a conclusion that startled him. "Hisoka reminded me of myself. I punished him for his curiosity. I loved him for his innocence."
Tsuzuki gasped, the words ringing in his ears with a timbre of veracity. "Ohh," he said, startled. He felt hot tears gathering in his eyes, but who for, he could not tell. "If only," he whispered, "You hadn't.... then... I.... could... do... this...."
Muraki's pale gray eyes narrowed. He stood up, looking down at Tsuzuki. "If only I hadn't what, killed him?" he said. "But I did," he added. "And do not delude yourself, Asato. One, I do not need your pity. Two, I do not require justification or excuse for making love to whomever I want. You should try it, sometime. Oh wait, you did," he concluded.
The purple-eyed Shinigami gasped. Looking up, his eyes unable to move from Muraki's, he stuttered, "You... how do you know... about that..."
Muraki looked down at the wide-eyed young man for a long moment. He then sat back down on the pew as he realized that he'd gotten a confession from the Shinigami by accident. Reaching out, he cupped Tsuzuki's face with his hands. Bending, he kissed Tsuzuki deeply. "I am Muraki, after all, am I not? The world revolves at my hand," he said, teasingly. "I know because you told me," he added.
Confused, Tsuzuki gazed at Muraki, his chest rising and falling with rapid breaths. A flush stole across his cheeks. Looking down, he saw that he was half undressed. The flush deepened as he hurriedly pushed himself back in and refastened his pants. A part of him wanted to cry... and somehow he felt that if he did, there might be a sturdy shoulder to cry on, but another part laughed at him and proceeded to call him some rather juvenile names.
"I did," he said softly. "And... he thinks... it's because of you. Because I wouldn't... do that..." the last few words were almost rank with self-loathing but over what was not clear.
Muraki moved before thinking about it. Grabbing fistfuls of Tsuzuki's shirt, he pulled the Shinigami to face him. "He is a young idiot!" the doctor said vehemently. "And anyone else who thinks that as well. I know that you won't believe this, but there is not much difference between anyone walking the face of the Earth, Asato. Maybe in Hades as well. There is absolutely nothing that anyone of us would not do, depending on circumstance and opportunity. Kill or love."
Blinking, Muraki let Tsuzuki go and moved back.
Staggering back a step, Tsuzuki watched the doctor, barely realizing that something unusual had happened. Without thinking, he took a step forward. His hand lifted to the doctor's cheek. "Muraki," he said softly.
The doctor gasped as he felt Tsuzuki touch his cheek. The emotional outburst had taken him to a place in his own soul that left him with an ache in his chest. He looked down at the too beautiful eyes, forcing himself to calm. "Hai," he said, hearing his voice in a rasp.
Leaning forward, Tsuzuki pressed his lips to those of the silver-haired man, kissing gently but also waiting for a response.
Muraki felt the soft lips on his own and reacted by sliding his arms around Tsuzuki's waist, pulling the Shinigami against him. Inhaling deeply, he scented Tsuzuki and moved the kiss into something deeper. Moving his arms around Tsuzuki more, he held him securely as they both counted time in heartbeats.
Tsuzuki couldn't explain to himself what he was doing, any more than he could have done so earlier that day. Everything was turned upside down. And Muraki's kisses... tasted so familiar. And that taste wasn't unpleasant... it caused his heart to race, as if in terror, but the rush of adrenaline wasn't brought on by fear. He felt something just at the edge of his senses, just beyond his reach. Something hot and perhaps even shameful and infinitely fulfilling. Settling into the doctor's strong arms, he let the silver-haired man take him on an exploration of a forbidden realm.
Muraki felt Tsuzuki settle in his arms. Taking a few steps back, he sat down, pulling Tsuzuki onto his lap. The heat between them grew once again as Muraki cradled the violet-eyed man. His hand opened the white shirt and slid inside touching Tsuzuki's well-formed pectoral. Opening his eyes, Muraki broke the kiss and looked into Tsuzuki's eyes as he thumbed the bud of flesh bringing it to hardness.
"How much do you want to know?" he asked.
Hisoka moved down the dim city streets, clinging to shadows, letting the darkness lead him. He had come to Earth, looking for Tsuzuki, but not *really* looking. To do that, he'd have had to open himself further than he wanted to, further than he ever had.
But Tsuzuki...needed to be found. Shaking slightly against an errant strand of wind, Hisoka pulled his jacket further up on his shoulders. He trained his gaze upward and let out a sigh of frustration. He'd been looking for his partner now for a while with no luck. He had no choice...
Resigned, the boy closed his eyes and saw the wall before his eyes. Bricks that he could remove, one by one. He began laying them aside, a pile he would need later, and slowly, very slowly, opened his eyes again.
He was confused. It was always confusing at first, his senses mingling and intertwining, no longer separate things, but working together to bring him a sometimes distorted, sometimes frighteningly accurate view of the world. Tsuzuki, he thought, focusing everything he could find within himself on that one thought. On that one person.
Hisoka saw glass... colored glass. A tall, shadowy cross atop a tall, slanted roof. And silver eyes...
With a gasp, the boy shook his head, clearing it for a moment. Muraki. The doctor had him. Wasting no time, Hisoka left his current location, rematerializing outside the old church's front door. He felt a moment of cold fear... he had no idea what he'd do once he was inside... but that was quickly set aside in favor of more pressing concerns.
The door creaked open under his slight touch, the only light inside brought by the stars and moon outside, streaming in through cracks in the walls and the church's large windows. His eyes only took a moment to adjust to the new level of light, and he found one half of the room empty.
The other half was occupied by two people, one of which was sitting in the other one's lap. "Tsuzuki," the boy said quietly, too familiar with Muraki to be shocked, but still somehow not prepared for what he saw. In a louder voice he called, "Tsuzuki!"
The voice rang through the derelict church building like a small bell and Tsuzuki felt something crack through his body like an electric lash, the jerk of it obvious to Muraki as he held the Shinigami. Tsuzuki was on his feet in a flash, whirling around, his shirt unbuttoned and open where the doctor had been stroking him. He backed up a step or two, conflict tearing through him, causing an explosion of lights and darkness behind his eyes. "Hisoka..." he whispered. The barely audible syllables somehow managed to resonate with shocked self-condemnation as if Tsuzuki was seeing his world start to rip apart in front of him - which he was.
"Good evening, Hisoka," Muraki said, watching Tsuzuki, but not standing. "I guess I should have known you'd be appearing soon. Would you care for some dinner, too? I'm afraid I only have left-overs."
Hisoka stepped quickly to the front of the church, the to pew where Muraki sat, all of the fear draining out of his body, taking most of his good sense along with it. "Muraki," he ground out, the name a curse, and his eyes settled on Tsuzuki, though he still spoke to the doctor. "What have you done?"
Muraki took a deep breath. "Whatever you can imagine, young man," he said, looking up at Hisoka. "As we are all well aware, the world turns by my hand. I am Muraki, after all." The doctor looked at Tsuzuki and then back to the green-eyed Shinigami. "I confess, I have done nothing to Tsuzuki at all. No, that's not exactly true. I held him in my arms and on my lap. I caressed his sweet body and kissed him with passion. What have *you* done to him, Hisoka?"
The boy turned his head to the side, closing his eyes, anger clear on his features. He tried to calm the rage growing inside him, but found he could not. Hisoka faced the doctor again, meeting his gaze, and when he felt that he could speak without tremor, he did. "You've already taken enough things from me. You're not taking this."
"Is that a challenge?" Muraki asked coolly as fire danced in his eyes.
"STOP IT!" Tsuzuki cried finally, stepping forward and in front of the doctor. His face was still contorted in extreme emotion but he held his hands up, one to Hisoka, one, incredibly, to the doctor. "Please stop..."
Realizing that he'd been focusing most of his attention on Muraki, Hisoka suddenly saw the turmoil within his partner, felt it, and he tried to move forward past Tsuzuki's hand, to make sure the man was unharmed. Muraki had said he hadn't done anything, but that was hardly reliable to Hisoka. "Tsuzuki..."
Muraki looked away briefly and then back to Tsuzuki. Glancing over at Hisoka, he fell silent. He knew them both, only too well. "As you wish," he said, softly.
Tsuzuki was breathing heavily, grabbing wildly at anything he could grasp onto to try and find some kind of rational thought to support him. "I'm... fine," he managed. "He... he didn't do anything. But talk to me. Listen...." His face flushed again because they all knew there was a little more, but the point was made, he hoped. Licking his lips, he rushed on. "I'm sorry... I ran... I couldn't... couldn't think..."
Hisoka tried to stay calm, but he well knew the danger in Muraki's 'talk'. He was at Tsuzuki's side, close enough to touch him but hesitant to do so. He could imagine where Muraki's hands must have caressed Tsuzuki's soft, flawless flesh, and it was disturbing. Not so much for the bad thoughts it brought, but for the good ones...
"Tsuzuki," the boy began again, "Are you all right?"
"I said... I'm fine," Tsuzuki repeated, trying to fill his voice with the warm reassurance he was so often known for, and only managed in tatters and threads. "I'm sorry... please..."
Muraki frowned. "Stop lying to the boy," he said. "He is not all right. Tsuzuki is attempting to conform to the vision you hold of him. Mostly... harmless. He is as dangerous as you or I, but because you need him to be soft and kind, he is. He will be what you and everyone around him wishes and it will destroy him," he added. Looking directly at Hisoka, he then said, "*You* are so focused on the evil Muraki and what bad things he might have done to poor Tsuzuki that you failed to see that he is a man, with the needs of one, just like you. Be careful what you wish, young man."
Lies. Muraki was incapable of anything but lies, Hisoka knew. But the words hit him, a physical force, and he almost took a step backward. His own guilt over every time he'd met Tsuzuki's cheerfulness with harshness, every time he'd met his partner's smiles with frowns or condescending remarks let him consider the possibility... maybe he was hurting Tsuzuki. Maybe... maybe he was not what Tsuzuki needed. But Muraki was not, either.
"And what about you," the boy began softly, "What are you trying to make him into?"
Muraki smiled beautifully. He moistened his lips with his tongue as he looked into the green depths. "I'm like a sculptor, Hisoka. I peel away what is unnecessary and allow what's left to shine," he said. "Of course, if you are interested on a personal level, I suppose I could find the time for you as well."
"N-No!" Tsuzuki interjected, one hand had somehow fastened on his head as if for balance. "No.. you promised... I know you promised..."
"You listened to one of his promises?" Hisoka said, incredulous. The boy looked from the doctor, to his partner, and then back again. "This is what you want..." Hisoka said, disbelief filling his voice. Then he trained his eyes on Tsuzuki, and repeated, this time making the thought a question, "This is what you want? Do you know what he is? Do you know what he's done? Do you know..." The boy let his voice die away, unable to continue, the rest of his words lying choked in his throat. Do you know what he'll do to you?
Tsuzuki raised his other hand to his head, both of them clawing at his scalp. He slipped to his knees. His voice was a little hysterical. "Do you know what *I* am?" he cried. "Do you know what *I've* done?" His head shook back and forth in denial. "Even I don't know!" he whimpered. "Do you... do you know... what I'll do... to you?"
The boy joined him on the floor, grasping Tsuzuki firmly around the shoulders. The man was about to slip away from him, and he didn't want to let that happen. "Tsuzuki... you can't... hurt me... if I don't let you." The look in Tsuzuki's eyes, an almost familiar hysteria, made Hisoka want to cradle the man in his arms, tell him that everything would be okay.
But that would be a lie, he thought, and remembered something that he could tell Tsuzuki. "Tsuzuki," he began in a quiet voice that still managed to carry, "my father..." Hisoka's voice stopped for a moment, the name hard to say, and he realized that he'd never spoken it before. "My father used to tell me about relativity. How very few things in the universe make sense without relation to other things. Tsuzuki... I think... we're like that. I make more sense... next to you. And maybe you make more sense..." He stopped again and this time could not go on.
Muraki listened and then chuckled. "Did he explain chaos as well?" he asked. "Watch and pay close attention, little one. Tsuzuki, get up off the floor and stop clawing at your head. Now. It is undignified and cruel to the boy, who is trying in his own grasping way, to help you."
Gasping in a series of deep breaths, Tsuzuki slowly calmed. The doctor's deep voice gave him something to push against. He felt Hisoka's words sink through at last. His hands dropped slowly and he looked up, fastening on Hisoka's wide green eyes. "Your... father... oh Bon..." he breathed, reaching out with a slightly trembling hand to rest on Hisoka's shoulder. Once it rested there, he took another deep breath and pushed to his feet, drawing his partner with him. Another deep breath and he folded still shivering arms around the boy. "I need you," he whispered, stroking Hisoka's back lightly.
The embrace felt warm and good, and in the back of his mind Hisoka sighed in frustration, his partner turning things around once again. The boy's attempts to comfort Tsuzuki had been met with Tsuzuki's own attempts to do the same to him. In the front of his mind, however, Tsuzuki's words sat, holding him captive. Even the doctor's presence was forgotten, and he held the man, tightly encircling his back. "Tsuzuki," he whispered, in a voice he didn't know he had, "I... I love you."
Muraki sighed and shook his head. He quietly gathered the basket and the contents thereof together. Perhaps, in time, he thought and then shook his head once more at his own folly. The boy was beginning to rub off on him and that kind of youthful thinking would serve no purpose at all. There was no hope. There was no future. He knew that. It kept him without illusions and was the very thing that enabled him to see Tsuzuki as he was. "Well," he said, cutting though the rose colored silence. "The picnic was fun, Asato. Call me when you need a break. In the meantime, I shall abide by our agreement. I shall not *go after* Hisoka. I will try and keep the other in mind, though it hardly seems to matter."
Tsuzuki seemed to lose the tremors slowly, his hands and the brush of his lips telling Hisoka that he heard the boy's costly words and accepted them, cherished them. A couple of crystal tears found their way down his cheeks as he turned his head. His hand stroked down Hisoka's back again, begging him silently and impossibly to understand, or to at least forgive. He pressed his lips to his partner's honey colored hair, and then gently disengaged from him, dropping another reverent kiss on each palm. He took three steps and stood in front of the doctor. "Kazutaka..." he said quietly. Another crystal drop leaked down his cheek as if someone had forgotten to turn off the faucet. "There *was* an agreement... I know it... but I don't remember. But there were... I have a vision of red... ribbons..." he lifted a hand and brushed Muraki's cheek the same place he had touched it before.
Muraki closed his eyes briefly at the touch. "Yes," he said, looking into the violet eyes before him. "You... were not yourself, Tsuzuki. If you wish to remember it now, I can undo what has been done. You would remember it all, given time and your willingness to face it, but this might be more... convenient," Muraki said, glancing over at Hisoka and back.
"Undo what has been done," Tsuzuki murmured. He watched the doctor's face. His hand continued to rest alongside Muraki's cheek. "I don't know what... you would undo. I don't... want to take it back. I think..." another crystal drop leaked down but the Shinigami's face was oddly peaceful. "I think... you... freed me... somehow. Didn't you?"
A small smile played at the corners of Muraki's face. "Perhaps," he said, reaching up to brush away the tears. "That will be for you to decide."
Leaning forward, Tsuzuki slowly pressed his lips to the doctor's.
Hisoka watched the exchange, unable to move or speak. He could not understand Muraki's motivation in all of this. Had he been any other man and not the manipulative, megalomaniac bastard Hisoka knew him to be, he would have thought... that perhaps... the doctor almost... cared for Tsuzuki. But that was impossible.
And Tsuzuki... Tsuzuki must have been under a spell, could not have known what he was doing. Because if he did... Hisoka didn't want to think what that would mean.
The boy finally turned away, but the sight of the two men kissing still lingered before his eyes and he shuddered, wanting it to end.
Muraki deepened the kiss and Tsuzuki's nearness for as long as he felt possible. His arm rose to Tsuzuki's waist and he held him before moving back. "I understand if this seems odd, considering I am the essence of evil," he said, sardonically. "But my offer of consultation still stands."
Tsuzuki smiled slightly. He looked into the doctor's eyes for a long moment, trying to understand what he saw mirrored there. Then he turned to find his partner's rigid back confronting him. A flicker of pain moved across his features but he calmed again. Walking over to the young Shinigami, he stood beside him. It was time to see if the worst was going to come true. He simply held out his hand, palm up. If... if Hisoka could not bear to take it, after what he'd just seen... well, Tsuzuki knew he could not blame the boy. But he waited, trying neither to flinch nor to hope.
Hisoka stared at the offered hand for a long moment. He didn't take it, staring up into the man's purple gaze, thinking of the different shades those eyes could take on, how rapidly they could change, from mood to mood. The boy could think of many reasons to refuse the obvious invitation. Only one, really, to accept. But it was a good one.
They made more sense together. They needed each other. He needed Tsuzuki. Silently, Hisoka grasped his partner's hand, the solid grip allowing a bit of relaxation to wash over his body. Yes, this made sense.
Tsuzuki's eyes closed momentarily as he felt the light touch turn into a firm grip. He cast one look over his shoulder, but as he expected, as he'd somehow known, the silver-haired doctor had vanished from the church as if he'd never been there.
Turning, he pulled Hisoka along, out of the church and into the moonlight. In the next moment, they were walking under the cherry blossoms once again as the sky threatened to lighten towards dawn. He walked for a while and then, finding a bench, sat down upon it, his mind still pulling slowly together.
Hisoka stood next to the bench, staring off at a distant cheery tree as it shed its blossoms to the night. He could feel the words between them that needed to be spoken, but there were almost too many to begin.
The boy sighed after a moment and sat next to his partner, close enough to feel the man's warmth, but not touching his body. "He said... he said I didn't know you."
Tsuzuki looked at Hisoka. His purple eyes were wide open and vulnerable. "I don't even know me," he said softly. "You remember... when you said I was a hypocrite? You were right. I've always felt that if anyone found out about me, anything... they would... hate... me."
Hisoka nodded, looking away. "You are sometimes a hypocrite. And sometimes not. I'd like to know you... but you don't trust me." He continued softly, almost to himself. "I thought I did know you..."
Tsuzuki studied the ground between his feet for a moment. "Do you... really want to?" he asked hesitantly.
"Yes," the boy replied, sure of his answer.
Sitting up, Tsuzuki turned to face him. "Then.. please help me remember. That's.. why I asked him not to... because you wouldn't have trusted it, and because... so that... so that we both know... for... for better or worse...."
Hisoka turned to face his partner suddenly, eyes wide and glistening, and his mouth fell open, though no words wanted to come out. Finally, he asked, "Are you sure?"
Tsuzuki nodded. "Certain," he said, holding his fears and his doubts along with his desperate hopes, tightly confined. "Hisoka... I think... I'm almost sure there are things you won't... like. I can feel that. I feel as if that is why I didn't remember, more than anything he did. I think... it will be hard and I don't know how either of us will feel afterwards. But it's important. Whatever does happen... I want you to know I trust you."
"Tsuzuki," the boy breathed, and he meant it as an apology. For accusing him, for assuming... so much. He went on, a little louder. "I won't see... everything. I can try to just see what he's blocked, but..." Frustrated, Hisoka sighed. "I'll try, but I'll probably see... other stuff."
"But I don't care about that," he shook his head, then stopped himself. "Thank you," he finally said, with difficulty, and held the other's gaze for a moment. "When do you want to..."
Taking a deep breath Tsuzuki sighed. "I guess... we both need some sleep. And we need to get up and make it in." Reluctantly, he finished, "So... tomorrow.. I mean, tonight?"
Hisoka simply nodded, never taking his eyes from Tsuzuki's.
Summoning a gentle smile from somewhere, Tsuzuki stood up, reaching out to take his partner's hand again. If they hurried they had a chance of a few hours of sleep before they had to report to the office. Silently he led the way back to his room. "You can get your clothes in the morning," he said simply. His eyes flickered as if it occurred to him Hisoka might object to re-entering Tsuzuki's less than neat room, but he continued to the door and drew them both inside.
The boy smiled in his small way, and relaxed as Tsuzuki drew him inside the messy, though somehow comforting, room. He hadn't wanted to be alone that night. He was unsure as to whether his partner meant for him to stay just this one night or more, but he let the thought go, deciding to spend the rest of this evening in the present.
Too tired to do much more than perfunctorily straighten the bedclothes, discard most of his own clothes and draw his partner into the small space with him, Tsuzuki tucked his arms lightly around Hisoka and drew the curtain on the window by the bed closed, shutting out the moonlight, and the coming dawn. Brushing the honey color silk strands back, he said softly, "Sleep, Bon," and pressed a soft kiss to Hisoka's cheek as his eyes began to droop.
TBC