11-Mar-2002
Yami no Matsuei: After the Bargain
by bonne, von and cassiopeia
For this sequel, Cassiopeia is co-authoring and writing the POV of Hisoka.
Series: Yami no Matsuei
Title: After the Bargain
Author: bonnejeanne (bonnejeanne@yahoo.com), vonceia (vonceia@yahoo.com) and Cassiopeia (Cassiopeia@gundamwing.net)
Category: yaoi, angst
Rating: NC-17
Pairings: Tsuzuki x Hisoka, later Muraki x Oriya, Muraki + Tsuzuki
Spoilers: Series
WARNINGS: Lemon, Angst, Tsuzuki may appear a bit OOC at times
Disclaimer: Yami no Matsuei characters and universe are the property of the copyright owners. Our stuff is ours. No money being made here.
As with all our fics, while our goal is to stay as in character as possible, any discrepancies are our mistakes.
Feedback: Any and all comments welcome, be they short or long.
After the Bargain: Part 3
Tsuzuki found himself awake and staring out the window at the sliver of a crescent moon almost without realizing he had woken up. His hand absently stroked the honey colored hair of the boy snuggled next to him, then stilled. It's night, he thought with an odd feeling of suspension.
Carefully, he extracted himself from the nest they had made out of the rumpled bed, not once but twice that day. Absently he picked up a shirt from the floor and shrugged it on, looking around the mostly-dark room for his pants. Ah, there... how did they get halfway across the floor...
Picking them up, he noticed something else on the floor. A piece of paper that was folded and looked like it had been slipped under the door.
The character for his name was written on the outside. Picking it up, he opened the fold and saw the words. In the darkness his eyes could still read the marks on paper - he was a Shinigami after all.
"Tsuzuki - I think you should see me as soon as possible. -Tatsumi"
Freezing, the purple-eyed man reached out and touched the doorknob. It wasn't locked, of course not. What if...
Hisoka stirred on the bed, attempting to move incredibly tired limbs. He felt as if every drop of energy had been drained from his thin frame, and even his eyes didn't want to budge.
Letting them remain shut for the moment, the boy frowned, realizing that his back was getting a chill. "Tsuzuki," he mumbled, not even sure why he should be looking for his partner.
Hisoka finally found the will to sit up and blinked, letting his eyes focus on various objects littering the room. This wasn't his room...
Startled, he instinctively looked to the door, and there he found Tsuzuki, half-dressed, his hand on the room's door. He was leaving...
"Tsuzuki!" Hisoka called, for once not wanting to be alone.
Tsuzuki looked up quickly and his hand fell away from the door. Almost instantly, his face transformed from a pensive expression to a cheerful smile. "Hisoka!" He pulled on the pants that were dangling from one hand and stuck a folded piece of paper in the pocket, before coming over to the bed. "Are you feeling ok? I was thinking of making some tea..."
No, he wasn't feeling okay. He felt like he'd been run over by a train a few times, and then thrown out of a plane for good measure. Tea sounded good.
He looked away from the man, not wanting to meet his eyes right then, and replied, "Yes," as an icy hot blush stole across his cheeks.
Tsuzuki watched his partner's expression and a little sad smile moved unseen across his features. Returning to the cheerful one quickly, he nodded. "Tea coming up," he said lightly. He disappeared into the bathroom alcove, turning on a light as he went, to collect the small pot, tea and heating pad which he brought in to the table and set up with the ease of habit. Turning the heating pad on, he left and rummaged for two reasonably clean cups, finding two that didn't match, and set them on the table as well. Buttoning his shirt, he tucked the garment into his pants and then ran his hand through his hair as if this would help bring it back into order. Absently, he rolled up the cuffs of the shirt which seemed to dangle too much in his way.
Not able to think of anything to say, he simply sat on a chair next to the table and waited for the water to get hot.
Rising unceremoniously from the bed, Hisoka began to quickly search out his clothing from the floor... what had he been wearing? He couldn't even remember. His mind felt cloudy, fogged, and, most remarkably, closed. He'd had more control over it, his empathy, his telepathy, since becoming a Shinigami. More than he'd ever had in life, but today... it seemed out of whack. As if something, or perhaps someone, were interfering with his mind.
The boy dressed himself in his discarded jeans and sweater, looking the entire time at the ground. The day's earlier events were still hazy in his memory, but they were rapidly gaining clarity. He didn't like much of what he saw.
What did Tsuzuki think of him now, he wondered, and wasn't sure that he wanted to know.
Pouring the hot water from the little pot into the cups, Tsuzuki made the two cups of tea and then lifted one in his hands to offer to Hisoka. "Bon... I mean.. uh, your tea..." he stuttered slightly, a little color coming to his cheeks. He'd watched Hisoka getting dressed without actually looking at him, through the corners of his eyes. He was so beautiful... Kami, what must Hisoka think of him after what had happened?
Hisoka focused on the cup of tea, taking it almost roughly out of the older man's hand. "My name's 'Hisoka'," he muttered, glad that he could drink the warm liquid and avoid talking to his partner for a few more minutes, at least.
It felt good on his dry throat and made the knot of muscles in the center of his back relax. Hisoka sighed into his cup and wondered where the day had gone. It was already night...
They'd missed that afternoon's meeting, he remembered. Hisoka didn't like being yelled at, especially not by Tatsumi. The man reminded him of his father...
"The meeting," he mumbled, still concentrating most of his outward attention on his teacup. "They'll be angry."
You didn't mind what I called you when you were begging to be fucked, a voice in Tsuzuki's head murmured... a deep voice. His cheeks flushed more deeply as he grabbed the other teacup. His chest moved with suddenly deepened respiration. Setting the cup down untouched, he said quickly, "I'm going to see Tatsumi in just a minute. I will explain. Don't worry about it, H-Hisoka."
The boy's head flew up and he almost spilt his tea. Explain?! "What are you going to tell them?" he asked, his voice a lot louder than he wanted it to be.
"That neither of us was feeling well," Tsuzuki answered, feeling a strange calm steal through him. "We've been working very hard lately. It was time for a break. If they don't like it, too bad."
"At least you're not going to be lying," Hisoka said, frowning as he felt the growing ache in his head intensify. It was like a hangover...
The young Shinigami went on, leaving his previous comment. "They won't like it. And they shouldn't. We don't just get to decide whenever we'd like to take a break. We were expected to be there."
Tsuzuki stood up abruptly, finding his shoes and slipping into them, and grabbing his dark trenchcoat without bothering with his jacket. He turned and looked at Hisoka for a moment. "So you know how everything works, do you?" he said quietly. "Guess what? I've been doing this for a while longer than you have. Do you know what happens if you miss a meeting? Nothing. If you don't get out of bed all day? Nothing. Tatsumi yells. He scowls. They threaten. Sometimes they even make fun of you. But do? What can they do? No one wants this job, you understand? Finding those poor souls who have managed to escape from death... and killing them anyway. So we spent the day in the sack. I regret missing lunch more than some pointless meeting."
After delivering this astonishing speech, his eyes seemed to burn into Hisoka's. "Not lying, hm? So you were sick, that explains it? That's all it was to you?" Licking his lips, an odd smile flickered across his face. "If that is so, then I hope you never find a cure."
Spent the day in the sack, Hisoka thought. That's all they did... that's all it was. Tsuzuki didn't love him after all. It was just another one of those things that people said when they... when they were together.
The thoughts hurt the boy. Part of him was afraid of Tsuzuki... terrified, really. Here was someone claiming to love him, and he didn't know how to deal with that. If he ever could deal with that. Another part of him, however, had desperately wanted to believe the man. Had desperately wanted to let himself go to the feeling. To be free, just for a while.
He wanted to cry, but would not. "I'm not... I wasn't... sick," he said, a small quiver in his voice. "I..." His eyes met Tsuzuki's, and he swallowed. How to tell the man... how did he tell the man? "I..." A determined air came into his voice then, and he finished. "I enjoyed... what we did."
Those strangely burning purple eyes bored into Hisoka's and then suddenly he could almost *see* the change, see something slipping away and something else trapped beneath it looking out. In an instant, Tsuzuki had crossed the space between them and pulled Hisoka into his arms and against him. His hands trembled but his embrace was solid. Without meeting Hisoka's eyes, he whispered, "Gomen nasai, Hisoka... gods, I'm sorry." He swallowed what seemed to be a painful lump in his throat and his arms tightened a little. Dropping his head beside Hisoka's, he whispered, "It was for you... to protect... all for you... ach, Bon, I don't know what I mean... please.. please..." And finally, almost too low to be heard, "Stay away from me, Bon... I don't know what is happening..."
Hisoka did cry then, the tears burning his eyes and face in two hot trails. He needed the solidity of Tsuzuki's embrace, needed Tsuzuki. And he refused to let the thought scare him, as it normally would have. He didn't need anybody. He couldn't need anybody.
Tsuzuki's words... those weren't the words he wanted to hear. He wanted to hear the man say, "Ai Shiteru," again. To let them make him feel 100 different emotions at once, not all of them even good, but at least... at least he was feeling something.
But it wasn't fair. Wasn't fair to expect the man to say it when he, Hisoka, could not say it to the man. When he couldn't even tell Tsuzuki how he felt.
At Tsuzuki's request to 'stay away' from him, Hisoka almost laughed, so ridiculous was the idea. No, never... Sighing into his partner's chest, the young Shinigami said softly, "But I can't."
The hands holding him tightened. "I don't want to hurt you... and I already have, haven't I?" The strain in Tsuzuki's low tones was drawn like a wire. He swallowed again. "I... I have to go, Bon. To see Tatsumi." He sighed and tried to return to a more reassuring voice. "Don't worry, it will be fine."
Hisoka remained as he was in Tsuzuki's arms for a while, then looked up into the man's eyes, the tears on his face fading. "I'll go with you. It's my responsibility as well." He wanted to say more, to ask Tsuzuki to let him help him remember again, but he thought it could wait. For a while.
The amethyst eyes that looked back into his almost seemed to enclose a storm of conflict, most of it internal, almost secret. He could see the man he knew, the man who cared more for others than for himself, the man who made promises he always kept somehow, or threw everything including his soul on the line to try and keep... and he could see something else, something that seemed just as old, a dark mirror inside him somewhere. Words came into his mind as he looked at that darkness... 'take it away... take my will away...take the pain away...' Then Tsuzuki seemed to pull himself together and the dark shadow disappeared. He took several deep breaths, and kissed Hisoka's forehead. With a little sigh, he said, "Fine... come with me. But don't be surprised if he sends you out of the room so he can yell at me more. It's not like you'll miss anything even out in the hall."
Stepping slowly out of the man's arms, Hisoka frowned, though he didn't look at all angry. "Dummy," he said, almost fondly, and moved quickly past Tsuzuki to retrieve his jacket which he spied lying over the back of a chair near the window. Somehow, he didn't think that Tatsumi would be sending him out to the hall.
Tsuzuki watched Hisoka for a moment and then moved towards the door. As he walked by his partner, his hand darted out and snagged the boy's hand, clasping it firmly. He opened the unlocked door and prepared to step into the potentially unfriendly world outside.
Hisoka held onto the hand in his just as firmly, and closed his eyes. "Tsuzuki," he whispered, and looked towards the door. The young Shinigami realized that he was not dreading facing Tatsumi and the others as much as he had been before, as long as he had his partner beside him.
The cherry blossoms were ghostly in the moonlight, the night air never too cold or too warm. With his hand clasped around Hisoka's, Tsuzuki walked through the grove towards the office, wondering what the enigmatic note signified. There were two possible scenarios. One, that it simply meant Tatsumi was upset with him for missing the meeting and possible other duties. He'd come to his room and slipped the note under the door.
The second scenario was a bit more awkward. In that one, Tatsumi had come to Tsuzuki's room to chew him out (not for the first time), opened the unlocked door (assuming that it would have been locked if Tsuzuki had wanted privacy) and seen the two of them together. Then had closed the door, written the note and slipped it under.
The second scenario was so easy for Tsuzuki to visualize. And in the second scenario, the conversation to come would be... well he wasn't entirely sure what it would be but he imagined that Tatsumi would *not* approve of his actions. How much disapproval he had not way of guessing.
And do I really care? he thought, his mental musings tinged with the same almost uncharacteristic defiance and even a touch of cynicism.
Hisoka watched the light breeze blow through the lane's feathery cherry blossoms, a strange feeling coming over him. Tsuzuki's hand felt good in his own, but the closer they came to the agency, the more he felt the need to let it go. He didn't want the others to see what had happened between them, and it somehow felt that now everyone would know, just to look at them.
It was a weakness, and he knew from experience that those were not to be displayed. The problem was, as much as he wanted to drop the other's hand, he also wanted to grip it more tightly.
They entered the building and moved through the half-dark, empty halls. Reaching the office, Tsuzuki pushed the door open. The large room with its multiple desks was empty and dark, except for a lamp on somebody's desk, which looked to have been left on by accident, and it wasn't Tatsumi's desk. With a wry smile, Tsuzuki glanced at his companion. "Someone's going to catch hell for wasting power." He sighed. "He's not here."
Hisoka sighed and moved towards the lamp, thinking to turn it off. "He doesn't live at the office after all." The boy paused and turned back to his partner. "What do we do now?"
"I know he doesn't live at the office," Tsuzuki said, his expression a little distant for a moment. "Do you want to wait till tomorrow?"
"Do we have a choice?" the boy asked.
Looking at his partner, Tsuzuki sighed. Then an odd smile flickered across his face. "Yes of course." He reached out, taking Hisoka's hand again as if he had every right to do so. Then he made for the door, pulling his partner along.
Hisoka was not so much startled by the action as intrigued. Where was Tsuzuki taking him? The man must have had some idea as to where Tatsumi was at this hour, but where?
And he was glad, he found himself admitting, to have Tsuzuki's hand in his again.
The older Shinigami led the way through the maze of hallways to a section Hisoka had never been to before. This area had a different feel to it, in fact, it resembled the building where he and Tsuzuki had their rooms.
Turning down a hallway, he stopped in front of a door. A little light showed under the door's edge. Giving Hisoka that odd smile again, Tsuzuki reached up and rapped on the door, quietly, but certainly loud enough to be heard within. "It's me."
Trying to puzzle out where they now were, Hisoka watched Tsuzuki smile and knock, curiosity painting his luminescent green eyes. Was Tatsumi... in here?
There was brief pause, the a voice called back, "It's open."
Tsuzuki opened the door, his fingers tightening a little around Hisoka's hand as if he suspected the boy might try and release him. He stepped into the room. It was a simple one, with a table and two chairs, some bookshelves, a couple of old trunks, and a single lamp with a green glass shade. There were ledgers and a couple of stacks of folders on the table under the small pool of light.
The senior Shinigami was sitting in one of the chairs as if he'd been pouring over the ledger in front of him. His jacket hung on the back of the chair and his cuffs were unfastened and sleeves rolled up casually.
"You wanted to see me?" Tsuzuki said as he came in, his hand clasped in his partner's.
"Tatsumi," Hisoka whispered, surprised to actually find the man inside the room, then winced. Tsuzuki had a death grip on his hand, it seemed.
Tatsumi's eyes widened fractionally behind the glasses for an instant, as he took in the two before him. The demeanor of his former partner was not lost on him and neither were the clasped hands. He took a small breath and leaned back a little in the chair.
Adjusting his glasses back up on his nose, Tatsumi looked down at an object on the desk. "You missed the meeting," he said, simply.
"I apologize," Tsuzuki said formally, but not effusively. "I'm afraid I wasn't feeling well today. And neither was my partner. Please forgive us."
The boy blushed at Tsuzuki's words, sure that Tatsumi would be able to figure out what had happened. "Y-yes," Hisoka agreed, looking towards the room's far wall.
Tatsumi looked up at Tsuzuki first and then to Hisoka. He nodded. "Hisoka, would you care for some tea, perhaps?" he said.
The boy's eyes shot back over to Tatsumi, and he replied, "Yes," the distraction welcome. He held the other's gaze for a moment, trying to discern if he was looking at him any differently, but in the end, was unable to tell.
Tatsumi stood. His eyes softened as he looked at Hisoka. "There is a pot and other things right through that door. Are you well enough to make some?" he asked, politely.
Hisoka stared at the man for a moment, hating the lie. He didn't like lying, it made things more complicated than they needed to be. But this was one case in which he'd make an exception.
"Yes," Hisoka said, without stutter this time, and though he suspected that Tatsumi was only trying to get Tsuzuki alone for a moment, did not comment on the fact. He felt a little guilty for abandoning his partner, but found that the idea of tea really did sound good.
Releasing Tsuzuki's hand, Hisoka exited the room through the indicated door.
Tatsumi's focus shifted from the closing door to his former partner. The temperature in the room descended about twenty degrees. "Tsuzuki!" he said, unrestrained. "What.. is.. going on with you?! What do you think you're doing?! You of all people should know how delicate that boy is!"
Tsuzuki flinched a little almost out of habit. Then he looked at Tatsumi and there was a odd spark in those amazing purple eyes. "Trust me, he's not as delicate as you might think," he said, with a little twist to his lips.
Tatsumi's eyes definitely widened at the comment. "Asato!" he hissed. "Why are you behaving this way? You know what I mean," he added, attempting to block certain mental images of the two bodies intertwined on the bed. The unlocked door and stillness had been too much of a curiosity for the senior Shinigami. His one inquiry had brought about a series of emotions and issues that he had been struggling all evening to come to grips with.
Tsuzuki sighed. "What way am I behaving?" he asked. "Lazy? Useless? Or is it something else? You opened the door, didn't you?"
Tatsumi's mouth opened and then closed as he looked away. Tsuzuki held some type of bond on him, since he had come to the department. Then, the short time they had partnered... "Yes," he admitted, in a quieter tone. "This isn't like you, Tsuzuki. I'm concerned," he added.
"No," Tsuzuki said softly, agreeing. "It... isn't like me. It reminds me of someone else," he said looking past the glass lenses and into Tatsumi's eyes. "There aren't any rules about it, are there? I'm not aware of any."
Tatsumi looked deeply into the violet eyes. Unable to resist, he reached out and touched Tsuzuki's cheek. Every nerve of his being screamed out for caution and then berated him for it. "No," he answered, shaking his head slowly. "None whatsoever. As long as the work gets done..." he continued and ended with a little shrug before removing his hand.
Tsuzuki looked up, his eyes wide and vulnerable at the brief touch. For a moment he stared at Tatsumi with an expression the senior Shinigami had seen many times before. It always made him feel a little guilty and he hesitated to name it but it was hope - hope of affection, perhaps of something else. Then his eyes closed briefly and his lips curved. "Good," he said quietly. "That would be ironic indeed," he finished, little realizing how perfect his word choices would have been if they'd come out of a different mouth.
Tatsumi moved around the desk. "All the same," he said, "Take care. And should you both not feel well again, be gracious enough to leave a message."
Tsuzuki moved forward, stopping in front of Tatsumi. He smiled, licking his lips. "I'll try," he said, his tone soft and earnest. "Today was just... sudden," he murmured. He smiled again and looked up. "You know how it can be... sudden? Of course in your case, never during office hours..."
A small frown creased Tatsumi's brow for a moment. This was definitely a somewhat different Tsuzuki than he'd known... bolder. He smiled and nodded again, a little embarrassed. "Yes," he said, "I remember." Becoming serious and to attempt to re-establish some normalcy between them, Tatsumi sighed and smoothed out the collar of Tsuzuki's shirt. "Be careful with the hand holding," he said. "It's a definite target for those who might like to cause you disturbance."
Tsuzuki laughed. "You just said there was no rule, so what does it matter? Perhaps it just makes *you* uncomfortable, do you think?"
"Ah," Tatsumi replied. "I see. Are you *trying* to make me uncomfortable, Asato?"
Tsuzuki's expression changed, the purple eyes suddenly sad. "I never had to try to do that, did I?" he said softly. Turning his head, he called, "Hisoka! Leave the tea, it's time to go!"
From inside the tiny kitchenette, Hisoka finished swallowing the last of his tea. So, they were done talking? He'd wanted to re-enter the room several times, but the weight of facing Tatsumi had been... while certainly not too great, enough of an incentive to drink in solitude.
Tatsumi knew. Hisoka no longer only suspected, but had felt it. Along with... other things. He wanted to ask Tsuzuki about these 'other things', but wouldn't have known how. Maybe his partner would tell him on his own, in time.
Doubt clouded Hisoka's eyes as he remembered that Tsuzuki wasn't exactly forthcoming with personal information lately. "Yes," he said in a low voice, leaving the tea as instructed.
Tatsumi's hand locked on to Tsuzuki's arm. "I am still concerned," he said, then brushed his lips across Tsuzuki's briefly. "You are in my thoughts."
The back of Tsuzuki's hand brushed casually, as if accidentally against the front of Tatsumi's pants. "So I see," he said with another little smile. Looking up, his eyes met Hisoka's startled green ones as his partner froze in the doorway just in time to see the exchange.
"Come, Bon, we've been forgiven, as long as we don't do it again," he said in a version of his usual cheerful tone.
Hisoka was glad that he'd finished his tea in the other room, because he knew he would have dropped it all over Tatsumi's floor had he come in to find the two men... like he'd found them. Their lips touching, Tsuzuki... looking at Tatsumi in that way.
He almost felt as if Tsuzuki owed him an explanation, but the feeling didn't last long. If Tsuzuki didn't owe him anything, then he didn't owe Tsuzuki anything, either. This is the danger in needing someone, he thought. They always let you down...
Hisoka didn't speak as he moved past the two men to the door, lingering only a moment to at least give the impression that he was waiting for his partner. The truth was, he wanted to get away. From them both.
Tsuzuki frowned ever so slightly as he followed. He stopped at the door and looked back, suddenly feeling as if he should apologize to Tatsumi for something. He looked into the senior Shinigami's eyes a little uncertainly, seeming for that instant like his old self. Then he ducked his head and left the room on Hisoka's heels, closing the door behind him.
As they both entered the hallway, the door to Tatsumi's room opened again. "Hisoka," Tatsumi called out. "Don't forget what I told you. You are still the best one to look out for that one," he said, indicating Tsuzuki with his thumb.
Hisoka moved quickly down the hallway, Tatsumi's words catching his ear and turning a bit of the pain in his chest to anger. Yes, Tatsumi could just hand Tsuzuki off to him when he didn't feel like dealing with the 'Sugar Glutton' anymore. Tatsumi didn't want him anymore, so he very generously let Hisoka have him?
But no, that wasn't right. Tatsumi still wanted him... Hisoka could feel that easily. And Tsuzuki... god, Tsuzuki. He couldn't tell what Tsuzuki wanted anymore.
He's playing with me, Hisoka thought. We're playing with each other.
He found that his steps had almost found their way into a run, and he didn't even have the foresight to know where he was going. The only thought that would stay in his mind was, 'Away.' Things couldn't hurt him when he was away...
Uncomfortably leaving Tatsumi in the doorway, Tsuzuki hurried his steps to keep up with Hisoka, if a bit behind him. His longer legs allowed him to pace the boy until they got outside under the trees. Then he stopped hurrying, and put his hands in his pockets.
"Oi, Hisoka!" he called. With a sigh he added, "You're angry with me again."
Hisoka thought about not stopping, but did anyway. Turning to face Tsuzuki, he made his face neutral. "Should I be?"
Tsuzuki sighed again. Finding the one and a half danishes in his pocket wrapped in a napkin from this morning, he took the half out and ate it. Brushing the crumbs from his lips he said, "I don't know... I don't think so..." He shrugged. He tried a smile. "That really didn't go too badly at all."
Hisoka frowned. Absently, he said, "You were right. He did send me to the hall so he could... yell at you alone."
Tsuzuki shrugged. "He didn't yell that much."
"I know," the boy said quickly, wanting to add something more but stopping himself. "Tsuzuki," he tried again, a lightness to his eyes. "How long... have you known Tatsumi?"
Tsuzuki blinked. "As long as I have been a Shinigami," he said simply.
"And how long is that?"
Tsuzuki frowned slightly, his eyes going faraway for a minute. He seemed to be counting in his head. "Seventy... five? Years..."
Hisoka nodded. "That's a long time. For two people to know each other. I should understand, shouldn't I?" His voice was a little sad and he looked away, nodding to himself again. He could barely even fathom that amount of time, his own sixteen years of life having seemed like an eternity to him already.
Tsuzuki came closer. "What?" he said softly. "What should you understand?"
"Tatsumi," Hisoka said, sure that that explained everything. "I didn't know..." he let his voice trail away, hoping Tsuzuki would get his meaning.
The older Shinigami looked innocently puzzled. He took the remaining leftover danish out of his pocket and started eating it. "Didn't know what?"
Becoming frustrated, Hisoka met Tsuzuki's gaze defiantly, his voice barely below a yell when he spoke. "Idiot! If you'd quit stuffing your face for five minutes... I didn't know about you and Tatsumi! I didn't know that you two were... that you were... like that!" His face had grown hot and he could tell that his cheeks were flushed with anger and embarrassment.
"But I haven't eaten all day!" Tsuzuki protested, clutching the remaining bite of the danish protectively. Then his face changed, becoming a little sad. "Oh... that... No, there's no reason you would know about that. He always wanted everything to be... private. He never wanted anyone to know." From his expression it seemed that Tsuzuki found this understandable but it still seemed a little painful. He looked at the last bite of danish. Then he looked up, offering it to Hisoka hesitantly. "Are you hungry?"
He was hungry, but he'd be damned if he was going to take the last little bite of Tsuzuki's danish. Leftovers. He realized that he felt like leftovers. "No. You should have told me. About Tatsumi. I don't want to be in anyone's way."
Tsuzuki looked at Hisoka for a minute and then turned away. He lifted his arm and suddenly threw the small morsel as far across the cherry orchard as his arm would propel it. Without turning around, he spoke.
"It happened when we were partners. I'd never... not that I remember. He showed me that it could be nice. But things didn't work for very long, like that. I guess I wasn't... something, enough." He laughed and it sounded strange. "I wanted to ask him if he was mad because we missed the meeting, because we were lovers, or because he changed his mind or something."
Hisoka felt an ache in his chest, and his empathy, that had seemed slightly defective all day, began to come back in waves. He moved up behind the man, placing his arms gently around his waist and laying his head softly on Tsuzuki's back. "You are enough," the boy said, meaning it as a reassurance.
Tsuzuki stilled, feeling the light weight against his back and the enclosing arms around his waist. It made him feel calm. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you," he said quietly. Hisoka could almost feel the wry smile through his body. "I just got in the habit of keeping it... private. For him. I wouldn't have minded if anybody knew. It's no one's business but I wouldn't have minded..." Taking a deep breath, he stilled again. Then something odd seemed to steal into his tone and body once again. "All... all I needed... was a... firm... hand... he could have... but perhaps he wasn't... up to it..."
Hisoka started against Tsuzuki's back, the change in the man evident. It seemed to come from somewhere deep inside his partner, but from somewhere far away, as well. It was a warm feeling that should have been cold, an influence he recognized. He'd felt it from Tsuzuki more than once now.
His first instinct was to let go of Tsuzuki, to get away from that feeling. But instead, he held on tighter, trying very hard to keep his voice level. "Tsuzuki... Tsuzuki, come back..."
"Back?" the man shifted a little, restlessly. "He opened my door you know. He saw us. If it's not locked he just comes in, because we used to... you see? Did you see how it affected him?" Tsuzuki chuckled, the sound slightly reckless and ironic. "Poor Tatsumi. I don't blame him. You are beautiful..."
He turned in the circle of Hisoka's arms and lifted the boy's chin, claiming a hot kiss.
Hisoka closed his eyes, a single drop of moisture leaking out of one eye at the kiss. He wanted Tsuzuki... his... his partner back. They both had to stop avoiding the fact that Muraki had done... something.
The urge to melt into Tsuzuki's arms was great, but if he focused on the almost cruel tone the man's voice could take on lately... focused on the sardonic curve his lips could form...
The boy pulled away with difficulty, whispering, "Tsuzuki... stop..."
Purple eyes gazed down into his. "Ah... have you had enough at last?" This time the smile contained both a hint of that ironic twist, and a deeply buried sadness nearing resignation.
Hisoka lowered his eyelids, rising up on tiptoe to join their lips again, softly. "No, not enough," he said, "but I want you, not... not this." He moved his lips just below Tsuzuki's ear, continuing in a breath. "Please let me help you. Please." It was hard for him to say and he didn't know what he'd do if Tsuzuki refused him again.
The body in his arms took a deep breath and released it in a silent sigh. But Hisoka felt something at the edges of his perception, like a sudden lightning strike that starts a distant fire. Reaching up, Tsuzuki brushed strands of honey-colored hair from Hisoka's face tenderly.
"I wanted to love you under the cherry blossoms that never fail," he said softly. "I wanted to see the pink petals fall randomly across your skin. It would be so beautiful..."
Then his mouth came down savagely on Hisoka's, stealing his breath and taking possession of him in an instant. Hot, powerful and hungry, the kiss was like a new volcano breaking the surface of the earth's crust, revealing the normally hidden magma beneath. It seemed to go on forever, reaching deeper and deeper, somehow touching every cell in his body.
Then all at once, Tsuzuki's mouth lifted from his, leaving him gasping. Hands on his shoulders moved him away, not roughly, firmly, even gently, but inexorably. Tsuzuki stepped back a step, then another, backing away from his partner. His hands reached up and pulled the black trenchcoat impatiently from his shoulders, throwing it onto the ground. His eyes were a storm, and in them Hisoka could see power and weakness, pleasure and pain, love and hunger mingling and fighting like powerful arcane beasts. For a moment the pain seemed to grow, overpowering the other elements as Tsuzuki reached his hands out in front of him in an attitude almost of conjuring... his hands turned outward towards Hisoka in a gesture of entreaty, though the fingers seemed to be curled clawlike, as if in violence. His mouth opened and he spoke, so few words but they seemed to thunder with suppressed agony and recognition.
"WHAT IF THIS *IS* ME?!" he cried. Then something like panic swept away the pain and he turned swiftly, and in seconds he'd vanished from the netherworld.
Hisoka stood staring after the displaced air where his partner had stood moments ago, his eyes still trying to reform Tsuzuki's image. The man's words loomed in the air, and Hisoka could feel them slowly seeping into his mind, like a tangible thing, curling around every part of him.
What if... what if he *had* lost Tsuzuki? What if... what if the doctor's work was... permanent? What if...
The boy sank to his knees, shielded from the dewy grass by Tsuzuki's discarded trenchcoat. His eyes eventually came to rest on the material beneath him, and it hit him. What if... this was all he was left with?
No. No. That wasn't the right answer. He felt a rage growing within himself that he hadn't felt in a very long time and he grabbed two fistfuls of the coat as he spat out, "Muraki..."
Hisoka gripped the cloth even more tightly, unconcerned with whether he would rip it or not, and this time his voice was loud. He hoped the doctor would hear him...
"MURAKI!!"
TBC